Dear Bonkotsu
by iloveatem
Summary: Kaiba has rules for being in a relationship. Jounouchi's about to learn them. KaiJou Oneshot


**Dear Bonkotsu**

by: _iloveatem_

* * *

Dear Bonkotsu,

So, you wish to be my koibito. Congratulations. If you agree to all the following conditions, your request will be considered for approval.

First, you will never, under any circumstances, refer to yourself as my _boyfriend_, nor vice versa. That word is hideously common and clichéd. It is far too shallow a label to be applied to myself or someone supposedly connected to me. If this word slips from your lips when speaking about me, to me, around me, at me, above me, under me, or any other position, I will then proceed to punch you in the mouth.

In relation, if we go out together, if will never be called a date. 'Date' is just as bad.

Second: I do not hold hands. If you attempt to hold my hand, or, in some pathetically flirtatious way, bump against me to try and get me to hold your hand, I will do so. Whatever may or may not happen to the bones in said hand is not my problem.

In a rather related issue, I do not cuddle. If the time comes when, invariably, we end up sleeping together, I expect you to stay on your side of the bed. If, at any time in the night, I find you wrapped around/clinging to/hugging/draped over/entangled with/squeezing/sucking/drooling on me, or any other verb I have not listed here, you may expect a rude awakening. And, by rude, I naturally mean excruciatingly painful.

If you end up moving in with me, I will pay for your food/boarding/electricity/water/overall existence. You will not feel guilty about this. You will not feel inclined or obligated to pay me back or work for me. You will not compensate. I am worth more than you can possibly imagine. Your money would insult me.

An important thing to remember: Mokuba is more important than you. Mokuba outranks you. If the three of us get stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat, you will be killed first. You will not become jealous, pout-y, or resentful. You will love Mokuba. Not as much as I do, but enough.

You will not interfere with my work. If I have to work until three in the morning, you will not complain. You will not try to guilt trip me into coming home early. I get enough of that from Mokuba. You will bear it. You will understand that I am the CEO and owner of a multi-billion yen company, and you will sympathize with my position. You will spend some nights alone, and you will be fine with it. You will, of course, feel sad about my absence, but you will not make it obvious.

In the event that you and I become romantically involved, you will not try to get me to bond with your friends. You will not invite them into my house, under punishment of death. You will not mention them in my presence. You will not use my phones to call them. You will not use my cars to transport them or yourself to them. You will not think that I'm being a little harsh and just need to loosen up on them because they really are good people. You will understand the fiery passion of my burning hatred.

You will not inform the media that we are together. However, you will not hide the fact that we are together. You will not be ashamed of being with me. You will not be ashamed that I call you mine, or, if you're lucky, vice versa. But you will not flaunt our togetherness. You will be tactful.

You will not complain about me continuing to call you "Make inu", "zako", and, of course, "Bonkotsu". I don't care if the only way you let me do this without ripping out your own hair is by pretending they're cute little nicknames of affection, but, for the love of God, don't tell me this. You can continue to call me bastard, or baka, or whatever mindless insult it is that you decide to call me that day, but if you ever revert to cuddly pet names, I will kill you. You may run, but if I ever hear you even contemplating referring to me as your "Fluffykins" or "Cuddlemuffin" or anything even remotely pertaining to that category, I will hunt you down. I hope you understand this, Bonkotsu.

Even if you are in a relationship with me, you will not act much different. You will continue to fight with me, you will continue to threaten me, and you will continue to unknowingly submit to my will and superiority. I expect you to get so angry at me that you try to fight me, but realize only too late that I'm so much stronger than you. You will continue on with these traits because they are why I'm writing this letter in the first place.

However, you will be adorable _occasionally_. You will know when and when not to blush, when and when not to give me that feral look that you have, and when and when not to mention casually that you're cold and I conveniently have my jacket on. You will know the perfect times to visit me in the office, or to display that huge grin of yours. You will know when you should kiss me on the cheek, or grab me by the back of the head and attempt to ravish me. I say 'attempt' because you will never succeed in doing so.

You will also worry yourself sick about what to get me for my birthday, or Christmas, or any other consumer driven holiday, because I'm so damn rich. You will, of course, find the perfect gift, whatever it is, that ends up costing little to nothing, but it will mean everything to me. And you will be delighted with this fact even if I don't show it well.

You will understand that I do not like to show emotions or vulnerability, which is why you will appreciate it so greatly when I do. And you will know just how hard it is for me. You will not expect it often, if at all, but you will always know that I try.

You will not throw around the phrase "I love you." You will never expect this phrase from me. You will acknowledge that I do not want to hear this phrase from you. You realize that I value actions much more than words.

On a more risky note, you will be fully aware of my hormones. You will also be completely willing to keep these hormones at a balanced level. You will be willing each and every time they are in need of balancing, and you will be willing to do whatever it takes to maintain that balance. I truly hope you grasp this concept, and well. However, I will not fear for your safety if you don't. That's your problem. You have been warned.

And remember: You. Are. Uke. You will always be uke. The day you become seme is the day I die and you take up necrophilia. You will never, ever be seme to me. Ever. If you ever request to _be _seme, the relationship will end immediately and without explanation.

And of course, you will understand that if anything in this letter contradicts something else, I still expect you to perform all of these duties fully and perfectly.

However, I expect you to make mistakes. I expect you to be clumsy, like you are. I expect you to be hotheaded, ill-mannered, and stubborn. I expect you to be Jounouchi Katsuya, _the _Jounouchi Katsuya, and, if you perform well enough, _my _Jounouchi Katsuya.

And I expect you never to repeat anything you've read here or mention it to anyone, including myself, and to burn this paper immediately. The repercussions of not doing so are too dire and lengthy to list here.

Kaiba Seto

P.S. I'm dead serious about those repercussions. You haven't known pain until you've crossed me. Remember that, inu.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

A/N

Bonkotsu/Zako: nickname Kaiba calls Jounouchi

Koibito: boyfriend/lover/sweetheart/etc.

Seme: Top

Uke: Bottom

Inu: Dog. Another popular name Kaiba calls Jounouchi

So. Another oneshot. I need to get rid of all my oneshots. They're rotting in my harddrive. They're annoying me. There are so many of them. Gah!

Please review.


End file.
